Have You Been Told What to Think Today?

I love the mail. Every day I get lots of magazines that come from trading in meaningless frequent flyer miles on airlines that are defunct or nearly defunct or fly only on the other side of the country. The magazines are great. They tell me what to think, and I listen.

Today I got a "GQ" and yesterday I got an "Entertainment Weekly." "GQ" tells me what to wear, where to drink, who to hang out with, how to meet the ladies, what's really going on in the war on terror, and what Tom Cruise really thinks about whatever his publicist told him to tell the reporter (who really is the hallmark of journalistic integrity). What's more, "GQ" decided to tell me this month every tool a man needs. Here's the list:

1) Claw hammer
2) Measuring tape
3) Utility bar
4) Folding hex-key set
5) Ratcheting screwdriver
6) Box-joint pliers
7) Stud sensor
8) Cordless drill
9) Laser level
10) Utility knife

I'm new to the homeowner-thing, but I've got to tell you, I find this hard to believe. That's it?! Why, it all sounds so simple! Get these tools (cost of which tallies to $373) and you're set for life. It's amazing! Next thing you know, Ron Popeil at Ronco will put all these tools into one super-tool for only 5 payments of $19.95 (call now and they'll throw in the telescoping sledgehammer for free). Whatever happened to a good $1.90 screwdriver?

Aside from "GQ" (which, incidentally wouldn't know a bandsaw from an asshole) I've got "Entertainment Weekly." "Entertainment Weekly" gives me the grades on all the movies, TV shows, and albums 'er records that are coming out over the next few weeks. Sound too good to be true? It is! With a simple chart, I know exactly what to read, watch, and listen to, and all with the minimal effort required of flipping pages.

The damnedest thing is this, even after I've read "Entertainment Weekly" and "GQ" and "Time" and "US News and World Report" and "Real Simple" and "US Weekly" and "New Yorker" I still take 20 goddamn minutes to pick out a stick of deodorant. That's sick. Maybe if I watched Oprah...